Contiki

So Contiki is ridiculously dope. Meet a good dude on the first night (the only one I can relate to) and now have a friend for life! So awesome, tripped over to France from England meeting a few of the Contiki fellows along the way, countryside was so sweet and not too shocked by the different language although I understand a small amount so thats helped. Also been really great with dealing with the Parisian attitude as speaking a little French can sometimes help but they really are just assholes most of the time. Everything is SUPER expensive, like a Coke is 6NZD, a beer in the club is like 8-10NZD minimum and up to 15NZD etc etc. Hopefully thats just Paris!!! But im not worrying about money because this is a trip of a lifetime and i can pay for it later :P

First day in Paris we saw the Effiel tower. BLOWN away as I was when seeing Big Ben. It just doesn't compare to anything when you actually see things. I feel overwhelmed with the depth of beauty in these old buildings, taken a LOT of photos when we journeyed around on day two but camera died coming down the tower. So missed photos of the Arc de Triumph up close but thats ok. Saw Mona Lisa. No big deal.

I'm so stoaked i didnt look into anything because everyday so far has NOT been a dissapointment, it really is the sickest time. Im so caught up in meeting all the people (surrounded by beautiful woman all day is really good fun) that I dont know if ill be able to keep up blogging but i want to write down things that i do so i rember them later. So excuse me if they are a jumble :) Got lost for 2h30min today which was funish, took the wrong metro and it was a good laugh, the Gardens at versailes were nice but didnt get in because the french were on strike. The louvre was amazing, as was the oblesix and wow i really cant spell at the moment either im SO TIRED. Only day 3 (4 technically) and im loving every minute, its worth every dollar.

Just doing my best to absorb and take in the amazing sights and the amazing people!!!!
Thought about home, which i dont miss but still look forward to coming home.
Steve if you're reading this i miss you bro, wish you were here to party it up with me because it is seriously so dope.

Au reviour!

Mental Note: Don't forget the mint night out listening to Parisian street music and being super chill, the pizza/coke by the Notre-dame, the beer on one of the roads from the Arc de Triumpe, partying at the Irish Pub, awesome dinner (quiche, beef stew, cheese, pastry and Ashley getting legless).

A thought, simple enough

It's time I talked about one of my favorite ideas of this year.

"You cannot undo what you have done."

Simple, obvious, yet with greater consideration than a surface analysis it becomes almost a life changing idea. The idea itself is a truth, that we are only masters of our present and cannot change our past no matter how much we re-consider it. Consideration needs to be placed therefore on the vast consequences of our actions in the present, for they lead to the future in which the present becomes the past. Therefore our present defines where our future leads, not like we can know the consequences of each action/inaction but we can have at the very least a general idea.

What that all means is, much more time (almost all of it in fact) should be devoted to thought about the present. The past is a tool for learning and the future a reality that must be considered but both of these should play a very small role in your thinking. The impact of doing/saying or not-doing/saying something can be very minor or major but there will always be an impact. There is always ripples that creep into every other facet of life. I have found, time and time again that my focus on my future, where I want to end up, has caused me considerable disappointment, distress, anxiety and anger in the present. Instead of being satisfied with the stage of my life I am in, I seek after things I think I want. It has been a constant theme to my thoughts that I think not about the present (the journey) but instead about the future (the destination).

I'm very tired of being disappointed with my present. I was asked a few questions before I left home by a few people about what I look forward to most and in all honesty I often answered "coming home". Bizarre and no longer true, it was because coming home to me was coming home to a job I love and another summer in the home that i'm madly in love with (ask anyone i've met on my trip, i cannot STOP gloating about NZ.)

Your actions in the present seriously impact what will be possible in the future. Careless words or actions cannot be unsaid or undone. You can mitigate their effects but only so-far. This is part of why I seek after God so often when I am afraid of the present. I spent a time living in fear of doing, and so I did nothing which changed what my future could hold. I feared being bad at anything, so I didnt try any of the things I wanted to. Now my present (the old future) lacks me being able to play the piano, having a developed voice, being as fit as I wanted to be, knowing another language. How seriously my life is different because of these choices.

I decided to accept regrets as part of my life because I don't want the fear of regretting doing something to stop me from doing it. It is better, in most cases, to regret doing something than not doing something so for me the idea is more "you cannot re-do something you never did". It just sounds neater the other way around.

Standing on the edge.

I've been away for a little over 2 weeks now, slightly over budget but generally i've done fine. But I havn't even started what I set out to do yet, its just been some good times with an old friend. It's been great I have LOVED every minute of it but its like watching an old movie of who you were; enjoyable but not the same anymore.

The same. I have an exciting feeling that I am on the precipice of change. Who I am now is not the same as who I will be when I come home. If I come back the same I will have failed myself. I want change more than anything. Im tired of holding on to old things. I grow weary of this world and its lies, its fakers, it's sin. My sin. 

A question is asked "Do you want to become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?"

How many paths have I been sold that are 'sensible' or 'wise' but lead down to that ending? I've lived a life based around approval and acceptance at all cost and the cost, i see now, is far far too high. 

I no longer subscribe to the thought that I will live a life of no regrets. I will regret things both if i do them and don't do them, I cannot avoid regrets. 

I like to tout the truth. To claim it as my most prized trait, being honest. But what a joke it is, when I cannot even tell myself the truth. I have lied to myself for a very long time, and I didn't even know it.

I've bought so many lies in my life. I feel like my life has been scripted and written by others. I don't want this for me anymore. I want to free myself, from myself, to be myself. That freedom will only come from an intimacy with God on a level that surpasses every other aspect of my life.

I will not seek the destination as I so often do, instead I seek the journey. I feel a sense of determination and excitement :)