Monday, 7 November 2011



contemplation of the past; a survey of past time, events,

I thought once before about how we can't change our past actions so we shouldn't focus on them.
I think now however, about if we would change them.

I'm at a stage in life where i can now honestly go back and say, yes I would change this or yes I would change that. It's not an easy thing to admit. I love saying things like "my previous actions have lead me to be where I am now, so I am ok with them" and while this is still true, I was really hiding behind I lie that I don't regret my past because i don't regret where I am right now.

This has never been true.

I regret a great deal of many things that I have done since I was 7 years old. I say 7 years old not because I did something I regret when I was 7 but because that is when I knew things were going to get worse. They were perfect so it was an inevitable conclusion. I told my mother one day after school (i stayed at school because mum was a teacher so I just hung around played on the jungle gym etc) that I didn't want to grow any older I was 100% happy where I was. How truly blessed are Children who get to be Children, who arn't forced into adult situations with adult choices forced on them. I laugh when im writing 'adult' because you could easily slip in 'sinful' as a substitute. What a joke.

So yes I regret many things I have done through my life. They are often at the end of a line of things that have happened to me. I don't blame anyone else for it, I largely blame myself but that too isn't a good idea. I think God is trying to tell me I am too hard on myself but I have trouble listening to it because I think im just wanting to let myself off the hook. I want to pay for the consequences of my actions because I want to remember to never do them again. I should get to my point before I burble on any longer.

If we could go back would we actually do anything differently? It is only in Retrospect we can see the right choice to make and even with retrospect there is doubt. I don't think I would change many if at all anythings as much as I would want to because I just don't know what the alternative me would be like. All I hope for is at the end of my life for people to say about me "He did all he could to bring glory to God inspite of the fact he knew he would fail". Or something along those lines.

I would love to save the world. I would love to save my country. Heck I would be even happy just to save one person, like my wife. But how could I ever be of service to anyone when I cannot even save myself. No, because I have been saved by Christ I will be in service to him. Whatever good that is done in my life is not mine but his and his alone.