Weather's crap let do nothing.
Great weather, crap breakfast (they ran out of bagels).
Today I wondered if I still seek happiness. I don't want to seek it but I probably still do. See I think finding happiness is often (but not always) really just a lie, more like being anesthetized to reality. For example intoxication both alcohol and 'love' (maybe it's a little cynical to put love in there, but i'm in a funk so its going in).
Are we ever really happy when we seek after things of the world and not of the Kingdom or is it just a small snapshot of emotion that just doesn't last. Happiness seems to be an elusive dream of a reality. Living a happy life? What a joke. Doing my best i'm not even happy half the time, although i'm learning to fake it more so life runs a bit more smoothly and people don't avoid you like the plague which in turn would reduce the frequency of happiness. See thats my measure of it at least. It's pretty sad that my happiness is directly impacted by other people and that without the right vibes I can easily sink into an absence of happiness and begin a nice downward spiral. That's why I can lose chunks of time to a video game, cause I get to jump ship from where i'm at and no-one else can impact me anymore. False and a lie but it works very well to avoid admitting how unhappy I am.
Screw happiness, I don't want to be happy. I want peace and joy cause they last through everything and maybe Love too if I get lucky enough to find that somewhere.
I have to turn towards God for my needs and intimacy not to games, booze or people. Otherwise i'll keep running in circles getting no where and being a prophet for my own drama.
I finally found a flat peak i like. I know people are gonna diss me for it and think I look stupid but I'm not gonna care, cause i want one :)
"If only I could press the eject button
to release and abandon all my own intentions, desires and selfish thoughts
to embrace fully the Holy Spirit
living by the grace of the King of Kings while disregarding the lies of thieves,
to stand up instead of fall down
breaking deceit with the Word and healing death with Christ's love,
oh let the day come when I can say with all legitimacy
that I am dead to myself
and alive in you."