Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Standing on the edge.

I've been away for a little over 2 weeks now, slightly over budget but generally i've done fine. But I havn't even started what I set out to do yet, its just been some good times with an old friend. It's been great I have LOVED every minute of it but its like watching an old movie of who you were; enjoyable but not the same anymore.

The same. I have an exciting feeling that I am on the precipice of change. Who I am now is not the same as who I will be when I come home. If I come back the same I will have failed myself. I want change more than anything. Im tired of holding on to old things. I grow weary of this world and its lies, its fakers, it's sin. My sin. 

A question is asked "Do you want to become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?"
How many paths have I been sold that are 'sensible' or 'wise' but lead down to that ending? I've lived a life based around approval and acceptance at all cost and the cost, i see now, is far far too high. 
I no longer subscribe to the thought that I will live a life of no regrets. I will regret things both if i do them and don't do them, I cannot avoid regrets. 

I like to tout the truth. To claim it as my most prized trait, being honest. But what a joke it is, when I cannot even tell myself the truth. I have lied to myself for a very long time, and I didn't even know it.

I've bought so many lies in my life. I feel like my life has been scripted and written by others. I don't want this for me anymore. I want to free myself, from myself, to be myself. That freedom will only come from an intimacy with God on a level that surpasses every other aspect of my life.

I will not seek the destination as I so often do, instead I seek the journey. I feel a sense of determination and excitement :)

1 comment:

  1. I like the bit about seeking the journey. It's fine to seek the destination, though. I think we often think we'd be happier if we "had this" or "were at that stage in our life", and we're constantly looking ahead. I like this blog, Matt, it's good!